IT’S time to talk about massive cans. For those who’ve been unfortunate enough not to spend time in the radio or audio engineering fields “cans” have a meaning largely unknown to the wider public.
The term refers to headphones that fully cover the ear.
Despite (or perhaps because of) their retro look cans are a big and growing part of our everyday lives.
While astonishingly beautiful and powerful sound systems get ever cheaper they run into increasing dead ends in our modern world.
With the “success” of ACT Government’s affordable housing policies, a single person on a normal full time wage has no hope at all of living in a home of their own.
Those lucky enough to have loving partners still need to accept that the aforementioned loving partner is unlikely to tolerate Def Leppard at 150 decibels.
In an apartment or share house one comes to the sad realisation that the big sound rig is unlikely to get cranked up more often than the release of a new “Iron Man” movie. (And even then the enjoyment will come at a steep price in future favours owed and other forms of retribution.)
Headphones as worn by helicopter pilots are, of course, not new.
In the 1980s they appeared to be superseded by ear buds, which have morphed into positively intrusive in-ear beasties.
I own a pair of Philips bluetooth ear buds which are tiny, delicate and joined by the shortest, lightest cord imaginable which sits across the back of my neck.
Despite their tiny size they give eight hours of great sound between charges.
However, the unforgivable problem with them is that when I’m listening to them the girlfriend du jour is generally unable to notice that I’ve checked into a different auditory realm.
Just because one’s partner has demanded the stereo be turned off it does not follow they’ll understand why their call for your attendance from a far distant room has gone unheard.
It gets worse once they’ve stomped into your proximity and you’re still ignoring them.
However, massive cans are an excuse for lack of attention that continuously broadcast themselves.
New designs are raked forwards so as to not bump into the headrests of sofas and couches.
One could go for cordless models. But the cord does go a long way to underlining to an inattentive spouse that you’re plugged into something and not listening to them. (For all that you would, of course, find their thoughts fascinating if you didn’t have The Shins cranked up to 11).
It would be nice if we could crank up our favourite music and everyone in the postcode would drop everything, marvel in our amazing taste in music, and join in an awesome dance party.
Sadly, in this fragmented world we live in, the cops will turn up telling us to turn things down long before the adoring crowds appear.
If we’re all going to share an increasingly crowded world the sad truth is we’re going to have to listen to most of our music on our own.
To avoid getting screamed at about not having heard we need to put the wheelie bins out we’re going to need cans. Massive cans.
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